


sky colored youth

by gemini_nan



Series: broken crayons still color [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Adopted Children, Asexual Character, Fluff, Just generally cute, M/M, Mentions of Mental Ilnesses, Romance, Self-Discovery, Sequel to broken crayons still color, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2019-11-04 14:59:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17900309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gemini_nan/pseuds/gemini_nan
Summary: Being a teenager is not easy; being a teenager with a few broken pieces is even harder. But they have each other.sequel to "broken crayons still color"





	1. brand new day (jisung)

**Author's Note:**

> hello again!

There were quite a few things Jisung never wanted to forget. The first being the moment he arrived at Chan and Woojin’s house; the moment he and Changbin became close; the day Jeongin arrived and Jisung decided to love him forever; talking to Felix for the first time; meeting Seungmin and Hyunjin in his first day of school; being introduced to Minho by Changbin.

There were also many things Jisung would rather forget. His mother’s cold eyes; the feeling of being so hungry it hurt; his step-father’s hand, heavy and painful. Jisung felt stupid, after all this time, he expected to be better, but he just wasn’t. That’s how he woke up in the middle of the night, head resting on top of his desk.

He was sweating, his breathing heavy, and the images in his head running around, the voices chasing him. His phone marked 4 am. In his hazy state, he didn’t notice Changbin sat on his bed with his phone in hand until he called his name. Jisung almost screamed, barely containing it, but he did jump.

“You almost gave me a heart attack,” he whined, sleepily walking to Changbin’s bed. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Changbin huffed out a laugh. “You think I didn’t try? Boy, you’re a heavy sleeper.”

Jisung let himself fall on top of Changbin’s legs under the cover, the boy muffled a groan. “And you’re too weak to carry me to my bed.”

“Did you finish the track, though?” Changbin asked, locking his phone and consuming the room in darkness once again.

Right, the track. The track Jisung had been stuck in for ages. He was getting tired of it, tired of hearing his own voice over and over, of trying to find sounds that could create ambiance, of not being satisfied with it. But if he wanted to learn how to produce, he had to do all of those.

“I didn’t…”

“Do you want help?”

“I’ll probably end up asking Chan,” Jisung sighed, closing his eyes slowly.

“Hey, don’t fall asleep on me, I already have enough trouble sleeping without you.”

“What was it this time?”

“Just general insomnia, don’t worry. Now, you, what was it?”

“Nightmare, as always, I know, ridiculous,” Jisung buried his face further into the covers of his brother’s bed.

“Jisung, having nightmares is not ridiculous, we’ve talked about this. Would you ever say that to Felix? Jeongin? To me?” Changbin raised Jisung’s head up, staring into his eyes in the extremely dim light.

“Never.”

“Then don’t undermine your struggles, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Now, fuck off, go to sleep, we have school tomorrow,” Changbin tried to push him, but he just grabbed onto the bed harder.

“Can’t I just stay here? We have like, two hours more of sleep.”

“Jisung, this bed is getting way too small for your needy ass,” Changbin complained, but immediately scooted to the side for Jisung to lie down next to him. Jisung laughed and snuggled closer to Changbin, his eyes shutting down quickly. He fell asleep before he even realized.

He woke up to Chan’s voice.

“As cute as you are, Jisung, I don’t think you realize just how much you’ve grown. The image is almost funny.”

Jisung groaned and sat up on the bed, focusing on Chan’s smug face. He looked at the side and saw Changbin deeply asleep.

“And somehow, we still don’t have a king sized bed.”

“Or you could, you know, stop stealing Changbin’s bed,” Chan said back.

“And dare say, why would I do that?” Jisung smirked at Chan, who just sighed and shook his head also with a smile.

“Just wake him up,” Chan said, pointing at Changbin, “Woojin is taking you guys to school today. You don’t want to be late for the first day.”

When Chan left, Jisung stirred Changbin until he woke up and immediately started preparing himself for school. He wanted to thank whatever god that made the weather chilly as he put on an oversized yellow hoodie. He laughed at the thought of making that into a song.

Going to school as they got older got progressively harder; for starters, Felix had joined them after a few years of home-schooling, there was also the fact that until last year, Jeongin was in middle school while the rest were in high-school, of course, that was solved, but fitting 4 teenage boys in a car with instruments and Woojin’s almost hoarding situation of a car didn’t get easier.

As expected, getting to school was difficult, but they made it alive. Jisung almost wanted to laugh at himself, remembering how as a child he wanted to grow up so badly, now, being 17, he just wanted to go back.

His sigh was interrupted by someone jumping on his back, he felt the air go out of his lungs and he yelled.

“Sorry!” Minho said as he clung tighter to Jisung’s neck. “How did you sleep, baby?”

Jisung flinched a little at his friend’s choice of words. ‘Baby’. His relationship with Minho had never been defined, Minho flirted with him a lot and he flirted back because it was fun. They kissed a few times ever since that moment in middle school Jisung wanted to learn how to kiss; they didn’t stop after that. And yet, they weren’t dating. Why weren’t they dating?

“Terrible, Changbin left me to sleep on the desk,” Jisung answered, trying to walk with Minho on his back.

“What a horrible brother you have.”

“Guys, I’m here,” Changbin said suddenly. ”Stop being so gross and annoying.”

“Shut up, I’m going to tell Hyunjin you like him,” Minho answered, sticking out his tongue at Changbin.

“You like Hyunjin?” Felix exclaimed.

“Thank you for yelling it for the whole of Korea to hear,” hissed Changbin while putting his hand over Felix’s mouth. “Besides, he has a girlfriend.”

“Yoona?” Minho hopped off Jisung’s back and Jisung could finally breathe again. “They broke up like a week ago, didn’t he tell you?”

“Oh, he didn’t,” Changbin whispered looking at the floor.

The conversation died out as Hyunjin and Seungmin approached them.

“Hi!” Hyunjin said, cheerfully. “Where’s Innie?”

“The first year’s ceremony,” Felix answered, immediately clinging onto Hyunjin.

“He’s like 2, why is he in high-school?” Seungmin whined.

“He’s taller than you, why are you in high-school?” Minho teased.

Laughing, they separated as the bell rang to go to their classes. Jisung hoped that year would be even better than the last.


	2. technical difficulties (felix)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it's just hard.

Felix often felt embarrassed. He was already in high school, he had been living in Korea for five years, and yet, he still needed help from his brothers to do homework or to translate some things. He felt useless.

Things had gotten better, he had to admit. His mind traveled to his first year in school, his Korean was fine, but the accent gave him away. He remembered all the nicknames, the jokes at his expenses, the laughs when he was asked to read something out loud. His mind was spiraling when he heard laughter outside his classroom and he looked up from his table.

 He smiled.

Because seeing his brothers and friends also made him remember that one fight Changbin got into for defending him; Jisung doing his best at speaking English for him; Jeongin showing him cultural references he just didn’t get.

He was safe now. It was all okay.

Or so he thought.

“Look, Philly, you-“

“Felix.”

“Right, Felix, it’s the second day and you already have detention from two classes,” said his counselor: an old, gargoyle looking man as Felix and Jisung liked to joke about. “I understand you’re a troubled kid and all bu-“

“Excuse me?” Felix just couldn’t contain himself. Troubled kid, he had to laugh. He had not worked through depression and anxiety with his therapist for this old man to call him troubled.

“Well, with you being abused and then adopted by two men…”

Felix’s blood was boiling; he stood up from his seat, ready to punch the guy when he remembered Chan’s calming voice whenever Changbin got angry. He remembered him counting to ten and breathing, in and out.

“Me having a hard past doesn’t mean anything. Also, check your calendar, I think your year is wrong, otherwise, why would having same-sex parents be a problem?” Felix knew he was yelling, he saw the man getting madder by the second. This was his end, yet he didn’t care. “Haven’t you considered that maybe your teachers are incompetent and that they hate me for being a foreigner?”

Nine. Ten. When the rage left and he could finally see properly, he saw the counselor’s face: angry, stupefied, scared. In Felix’s state of madness high, he felt pleased; the little part in his mind that was still sane, he wanted to apologize, he knew he would disappoint his parents, he knew he had done wrong.

“Very well, get out of my office, Felix. We’ll talk later.”

Turns out “talk later” meant an e-mail to his parents and a three-day suspension. He wished he was surprised.

As soon as his classes were over, he ran to Changbin’s classroom.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Changbin asked, grabbing him by the arms. Oh, he hadn’t realized he was shaking. “Felix.”

“I messed up…”

“What?”

“I messed up, Changbin. I got suspended and I’m ruining every class and I disappointed the only people in my life I never wanted to disappoint.”

Changbin hugged him tight, caressing his hair. “We’ll work through this.”

Luckily for him, neither Chan nor Woojin would pick them up that day. Instead, they walked home. Felix went on auto-pilot, but he was sure Changbin had filled Jeongin and Jisung into the problem because Jisung hadn’t stopped holding his hand all the way home. He was thankful, it kept him grounded.

As soon as they got home, Felix locked himself up in his bedroom. He felt angry, but not at the situation. He felt angry for being scared of Chan and Woojin. Of course, he knew they’d be disappointed, but his mind went darker. _What if they took him back to Australia? What if they just threw him on the street? What if they hurt him?_

He hated himself for even considering it, but the fear got the best of him.

He was falling asleep when he heard the door unlock, his body tensed up, preparing for the worst. And just like he expected, a few seconds later there were steps coming towards him.

Chan opened the door and Felix just wanted to hide forever. Chan looked tired, Felix made him tired.

“Can we talk?” Chan asked in English, Felix sat up and nodded, he knew this was serious; Chan closed the door behind him and sat beside Felix. “What even happened?”

“I yelled at the counselor,” Felix answered, ashamed.

“Why did you?”

“Chan, he called me troubled and blamed it on me having two dads.”

Chan looked surprised, clearly that hadn’t been on the e-mail. Then he sighed and held Felix’s hand in his.

“Why did he call you in the first place?”

“I… I got detention, in two classes.”

“It’s only the second day, Felix-“

“I know it is,” Felix interrupted, a little choked up. “But I just can’t, Chris.”

If Chan got surprised at the sudden name, he didn’t show it, but his expression softened when he heard Felix’s voice.

“What’s wrong?”

“I barely did anything, you can even ask Hyunjin. But those teachers just seem to hate me; I guess I’m just too troubled for them.”

“Hey, don’t give into the words,” Chan opened Felix’s fist, a fist he didn’t even realize he was making. “We can talk to someone about them, but you still have to learn to control your emotions, Lix. Not everyone will be nice to you and that’s just something you have to understand and deal with. You know who you are, you know what you are, so don’t listen to the rest.”

“I’m just so sorry I disappointed you,” now Felix was tearing up. Chan hugged him softly.

“You didn’t disappoint me. You’re brave, sunshine. You’re still learning and that’s okay.”

“Thank you,” Felix said and he meant it.

Being home for the next few days was hard but he was reminded of when he first got there. He was alone and he felt sad, but the sense of familiarity and the time to think might have been exactly what he needed.

But of course, how could everything stay calm?

It was his third day of suspension when Jisung and Minho stormed into the house, definitely too early for a school day, carrying Changbin, who had a black eye and seemed more asleep than awake. He didn’t even get to ask what happened, as Jisung and Minho carried him to his room as soon as the stepped inside.

Hyunjin, Jeongin and Seungmin walked in just after them. Felix saw Hyunjin shaking slightly. He turned to Jeongin.

“What happened?”

“Changbin got into a fight, Minho barely stopped him, it was three against one.”

Just great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> QUESTION!   
> apart from changjin and minsung, what other ships would you like to see in this story? can be romantic or platonic (like the kind of relationship changlix or binsung have)  
> Thank you all for reading, love you!!


	3. the benefits of heartbreak (changbin)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song title from epik high's the benefits of heartbreak ft akmu!

Changbin’s head was spinning. It took a few seconds for him to be able to open his eyes when Jisung laid him on the bed but when he did he felt immense pain and he let out a little cry.

“It’ll be okay, just don’t fall asleep,” Jisung’s voice warned him. He felt too dizzy to answer.

“What happened?” Changbin heard Felix ask.

“We don’t know,” Jisung answered to then press something cold onto Changbin’s eye, he hissed. “I’m so sorry, Binnie, but please stay calm. Don’t close your eyes, please.”

“Shouldn’t we call Chan?” Minho asked.

 “I’ll do it,” Jeongin said and then walked out the room.

“Wait, I’ll go with you,” Felix followed him.

“Chan is going to kill me,” Changbin sighed.

“And with good reason. What made you think you could fight three guys at once, Changbin?” Jisung reprimanded him. “Minho, can you bring me the first aid kit? He has a split lip.”

“Where’s Hyunjin?” Changbin asked. He was, after all, the only person Changbin wanted to see at that moment.

“Downstairs with Seungmin. Stay still, Changbin.”

“Please, I just need to talk to Hyunjin before Chan grounds me forever.”

Jisung sighed. “Fine, I’ll tell him to come help.”

Jisung got up and stopped Minho, who was just coming back with the kit, at the door, he whispered something at him and Minho just left the box on the floor, following him downstairs.

Changbin’s head hurt, his eye wasn’t much better, but as soon as Hyunjin walked through the door, the pain went away and suddenly all he would see was Hyunjin’s worried expression. His hair was messy like he had been running his fingers through it, he was biting his lower lip and avoiding Changbin’s eyes at all cost.

Hyunjin took the kit from the floor and slowly sat in front of Changbin on the bed; without saying anything, he started applying some sort of substance Changbin was too sleepy to properly notice.

None of them said anything, but Hyunjin’s hands were still shaky. Changbin sighed and took Hyunjin’s hand in his. Hyunjin made eye contact with him.

“I’m sorry,” was all Changbin said.

“Why did you do that?”

“Hyunjin, they were bullying you, what was I supposed to do?” Changbin let out an exasperated sigh.

“Maybe not physically fight them!” Hyunjin raised his voice, then flinching again. “I’m used to it Changbin, it doesn’t bother me anymore.”

“That only makes it worse, Jinnie,” Changbin tried to keep his voice calm, but the anger he felt was way too much.

“I know. But you didn’t have to do anything.”

“Yes, I did!”

“Why did you?” now Hyunjin was yelling, eyes teary.

Maybe this was it. Maybe this was Changbin’s chance. Maybe…

“Because I love you, Hwang Hyunjin.”

“I know, but-“

“No! I… am in love with you.”

Silence. Hyunjin’s eyes grew at the realization of Changbin’s words and he slowly took his hand away from Changbin’s and maybe Changbin understood why, the touch became electric, it almost hurt.

“You’re not serious…”

“Yes, I am. Hyunjin, I’ve liked you since we were kids.”

“I don’t know what to say…”

Changbin felt the tears incoming. It was a mistake, it was all a mistake. He had just ruined everything for them. Hyunjin started standing up from the bed and maybe Changbin’s heart broke.

“I’m sorry, Changbin.” And then he was gone.

It didn’t take long for Jisung to appear in the room, confusion tattooed on his face. Changbin was probably crying, he hadn’t even realized, because Jisung immediately hugged him. Changbin hid his face on Jisung’s chest and sobbed.

“What happened?” Jisung whispered.

“H-Hyunjin,” was all Changbin could answer, hiccupping.

“Did you…?” Jisung asked. Of course Jisung knew; Jisung knew everything about Changbin.

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry,” Jisung hugged him tighter.

A few minutes later, when Changbin was calmer, Felix entered the room.

“Jeongin and Seungmin are downstairs, is everything okay?” he asked, eyeing them both.

“Not really?” Changbin said and that was all it took for Felix to join Jisung’s hug.

After who knows how long, Chan entered his room. His face was stern but also worried. Jeongin and Seungmin trailed behind him, probably having explained the situation.

“Can you leave us alone?” Chan asked. Felix got up and walked to the other two, but Jisung stayed there.

“Jisung, please-“

“Please let me stay,” Jisung said once again. Chan sighed and looked at Changbin for confirmation, Changbin only nodded.

“Fine,” Chan said and then closed the door. He sat on the bed and stared at Changbin, silently asking him to speak. Jisung held his hand tight and Changbin gathered the courage to speak.

“I got into a fight with three guys…”

“And why did you?” Chan prompted him.

“They were bothering Hyunjin,” he continued.

“Hyunjin? Why Hyunjin?”

“One of the guys was Yoona’s brother and well… Hyunjin just broke up with her. They were bullying him, calling him names and pushing him around, I just… couldn’t contain it and I’m so sorry.”

“Changbin, you could’ve told someone. You’re doing amazing at the whole anger issue, you need to be more rational,” Chan’s voice was soft but Changbin was too hurt.

“Would you be if it was Woojin?” maybe Changbin’s voice was too loud, but at least it caught Chan’s attention. “I love him, Chan, and maybe I should’ve been more rational but I just couldn’t and the least I can do it take responsibility for it.”

“Hey,” Chan held his other hand. “I’m not saying you did the right thing, but I understand. You’re not grounded, but I need you to talk about this with your therapist, okay?”

“Thank you, Chan,” Changbin hugged him, letting go of Jisung’s hand for a second.

“You’re still suspended, aren’t you?”

“Yes…”

“First Felix then you,” Chan sighed, but it was more lighthearted, “Jisung, don’t you dare do something.”

“Why me?” Jisung exclaimed. “We all know Jeongin is the real danger.”

“But he’s cute, he can get away with it.”

Changbin laughed. Maybe he was heartbroken and maybe things weren’t going as smoothly as he would’ve wanted, but at least he had his family. He’d always have his family.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! feel free to leave suggestions or request!  
> also, aren't you excited for the reality show and the comeback??? i've been crying all week about it ajskld


	4. selfless (jeongin)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please check end notes!

 

Jeongin knew he was being stupid. He knew that from the moment he felt abnormally tired since he felt pain when doing things like walking. He knew he should’ve said something. But it was just too hard.

“Jeongin,” Seungmin called his name. Jeongin was currently resting his head on Seungmin’s legs on their break at school. It was nice, having his friends and brothers around again. That one year he was alone in middle school was a complete nightmare. “Innie, wake up. We’re gonna be late.”

Jeongin opened his eyes and everything was too bright.  As he stood up he knew something was wrong. Suddenly, everything stopped being bright and it became black. He couldn’t breathe, it hurt too much. He felt Seungmin’s hands on his shoulder.

“Jeongin! What’s wrong? Oh, god.”

Seungmin sat him down on the bench they were in just a few seconds ago, that was good, that felt better.

“Goddammit, Felix, pick up,” Seungmin’s voice was panicked. Jeongin wanted to reach out for him but he couldn’t move. “Felix! Jeongin is bad, really bad, I think he can’t breathe, I’m taking him to the nurse’s office right now.”

Jeongin felt Seungmin helping him stand up.

“Jeongin, baby, I’m going to carry you now, yes?” Baby, that was a cute pet name, Jeongin hadn’t heard the rest of the question but suddenly Seungmin was carrying him on his back and maybe Jeongin wanted to throw up. His chest was burning.

What felt like hours later, or maybe just a few minutes, Jeongin heard the panicked voice of the nurse and then more mayhem.

“Kid, can you hear me?” Jeongin nodded. “I’m going to put a breathing mask on you now. Okay, now, breathe in and out.”

Jeongin tried but it burnt too much. He opened his eyes and saw Seungmin standing in front of him, his face worried as he petted Jeongin’s hair. Jeongin kept trying to breathe. Seungmin was now holding his hand.

A few minutes later the room was crowded by his friends and brothers, Changbin was telling the nurse about Jeongin and maybe he hated himself for a little.

He hadn’t been sick for so long… And he had to be just when their lives were difficult. Jeongin didn’t want to show it, how could he worry his family? He hated being sick.

“Innie?” Felix approached him. “Woojin and Chan are coming, they’ll be here soon, okay?”

Woojin and Chan did arrive and suddenly everything was in motion again. The mask was off and he was being carried to the car, Hyunjin was panicking and calling his dad to tell him what happened. They got split into his fathers’ cars, Seungmin, Hyunjin and Felix refused to be separated from Jeongin, so now he was lying down on the back, his head resting on Hyunjin’s legs.

“What happened, Seungmin?” Woojin asked.

“He was just napping and when he stood up he looked like he was going to faint, he wasn’t breathing.”

“He had been okay…” Woojin muttered and Jeongin felt like crying. No, he hadn’t been okay.

His chest had been hurting, his head spinning and his breathing irregular for days. But there was just way too much going on; Jeongin didn’t want to worry anyone.

Before he knew it, he fell asleep and when he woke up again he was at the hospital, Woojin by his side. He had a breathing mask on and some other uncomfortable cables.

“Hey, they went out to get something to eat, are you feeling better?” Woojin asked him, Jeongin nodded. “Why didn’t you tell us, Jeongin?”

There it was. The question he had wanted to avoid. He looked at Woojin, at the worry in his eyes and the way he stroked his finger on Jeongin’s hand. He took the breathing mask off.

“You all had your worries. I didn’t want to be an inconvenience,” Jeongin flinched at his own words; he knew he was being dumb. It wasn’t his fault being sick, and yet, here he was, hating himself because of it.

“Jeongin…”

“What’s new about me being sick? You all must be tired of it by now. You and Chan are busy at work, Felix is struggling with school, Hyunjin and Changbin are not speaking and I don’t know why, Jisung cries when he thinks no one’s looking. Why would you need to worry about me?”

Jeongin was crying. Woojin was crying.

“You being sick will never be a burden, okay? You’re as important, no, even more important to us that whatever problems we’re having. I’m not saying you have to become selfish, but don’t worry about leaning on us the same way we lean on you,” Woojin’s grip on his hand was reassuring, Jeongin nodded in between hiccupping and sobbing.

In silence, they waited for everyone else to arrive; when they did Hyunjin was the first to run to him.

“You’re an idiot,” his friend told him softly punching his arm.

“Sorry, Jinnie.”

“Are you feeling better?” Changbin asked, approaching the bed as well. Jeongin noticed how he walked to the other side of the bed and then avoided looking at Hyunjin. Jeongin had to investigate on that one.

“Well, my lungs aren’t burning anymore. Where’s Seungmin?”

“Here,” Seungmin walked up to him and Jeongin could only feel sorry. Seungmin looked tired, probably the shock and adrenaline wearing off. Jeongin extended his hand at him and Seungmin grabbed it like a lifeboat.

“I’m sorry,” Jeongin whispered.

“It’s okay, just don’t do it again.”

After being smothered in kisses, hugs and nagging form everyone, particularly Minho, who maybe just enjoyed nagging people, Chan gave him a burger and Jeongin had never tasted something so divine.

When he got out of the hospital and they walked to the cars to go home, Seungmin stopped him and before Jeongin could say anything he hugged him tightly. Jeongin’s breath hitched.

“I’m sorry, you must have been so scared,” Jeongin told him as he hugged back, Seungmin only shook his head.

“I could only think about you, I didn’t have time to be scared.”

“Thank you for being there for me.”

“Always, even and especially when you don’t want to,” Jeongin laughed and when Seungmin pulled away and made his weird dinosaur sound he felt himself going back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe i'm keeping the once a week schedule going, damn.  
> anygays, i have a question for you! do you want me to continue the story with the same pattern (being jisung, felix, changbin, jeongin) or should i mix them up? what storyline do you want me to continue next chapter?  
> that's all, thanks for reading!


	5. brave (jisung)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung wished he was brave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minsung lovers, this one's for you.  
> the convo in the beginning is based on their two kids room and also the last chapter of broken crayons still color teehee

Jisung had to admit he wasn’t exactly brave. He got scared really easily, wasn’t a fan of “exciting” things and would probably cry if someone yelled at him. Jisung wished he was braver.

Jisung was currently lying down on his bed; Minho’s head was resting on his legs. Jisung couldn’t help but to stare at him as he ran his finger’s through his best friend’s hair. Jisung wished he was braver.

“Didn’t you just eat them without realizing?”  Minho asked, eyes closed but with a little teasing smile on his face.

“No, Minho, I just said they disappeared.”

“Right, then it was some sort of steamed eggs gnome that stole them from you.”

Jisung stayed silent for a few seconds and then dramatically whispered. “Is the gnome made out of steamed eggs?”

Minho laughed as he hit Jisung’s leg; Jisung laughed but took a stuffed toy from his side and hit Minho with it. Minho stood from his position on Jisung’s legs and took the toy from him. He was about to hit back when he looked at what he was holding and smiled.

“I can’t believe you still have this.”

Only then Jisung realized what Minho was holding. It was a little blue penguin; a penguin Minho had gifted him many years ago at an amusement park. Jisung was really bad at the shooting game, so Minho got the toy for him. Jisung smiled, perhaps a little embarrassed.

“Don’t feel so special, I also still have that one drawing of a really ugly dog Hyunjin made me when we were 7.”

Still smiling, a smile that Jisung hated so much because it reminded him of a cat and only made Minho a hundred times cuter, Minho sat next to Jisung and put the penguin between them.

“How can you compare our son to a badly drawn dog?”

“It’s our son now, is it?” Jisung huffed out a laugh and turned to look at Minho with a raised eyebrow.

“Of course! It was from our first date, after all,” Minho also turned to look at Jisung. Jisung’s heart was beating fast.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t you remember? You held my hand because we were both scared of the Viking ride.”

“I never did such thing,” Jisung crossed his arms, but he was sure he was blushing. Minho got closer to him and maybe Jisung’s heart skipped a beat.

“Jisung, can I kiss you?”

His breath hitched. He remembered the first time he had kissed Minho. It wasn’t more than a game of spin the bottle, they were around 13 at the time, and it was just a little peck on the lips.

The second time was when they were 14, Minho had realized he liked boys and Jisung offered to be his experiment, just to confirm. That time the kiss was deeper and Jisung was already far too gone.

The third time, Jisung just wanted an excuse. _Please, Minho, I don’t know how to kiss._

At first, it was fine, sometimes Minho would ask to kiss him and that was fine by Jisung. Kissing was nice and it was platonic; until it wasn’t anymore and it started hurting too much. Because Jisung was completely in love with Minho and he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Would it make a difference if I said no?” Jisung sighed and Minho had the audacity to giggle.

“Are you going to say no?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“So I can do it?”

“Yes.”

Jisung regretted it as soon as he said it. Because Minho’s lips were soft and hot and tasted like the vanilla ice cream he had been eating. At that moment, Jisung got tired of just wishing to be brave. He got brave.

“Why do we do this, Minho? What does it mean?” Jisung asked as they separated a little.

“It only means something when you want it to mean something.”

“Do you?” Jisung got further away to look directly at Minho’s eyes.  “Do you want it to mean something?”

Minho’s breathing was heavy, but he was expressionless, Jisung didn’t know what to expect.

“Do you like me, Jisung? Do you like me in the way that I like you?”

Jisung’s brain was making short-circuit. “What way is that?”

Minho’s face got closer to his. This time he didn’t ask with words, but just before his lips touched Jisung’s he stopped. Jisung made the final move and they were kissing again. This time it felt different, so, so different.

Minho rested his forehead against Jisung’s. “I’ve liked you since forever. Hell, perhaps even before I gave you the dumb penguin.”

“Don’t call it dumb,” Jisung whispered but his voice was too weak to even make it sound like a joke, still, Minho smiled. “Why did you never tell me?”

“I wasn’t sure you were ready.”

“And now?”

“Now it’s up to you.”

Jisung still felt brave. He slowly and softly held Minho’s hand in his. “I like you, Minho. I want to try… something with you.”

“I’m all yours, then.”

The rest of the day they just sat beside each other, hands held, talking about their moments and memories together.

 Even when Minho left, Jisung kept feeling giddy and happy. When he was with Minho he felt calm. All the dumb things he cried about disappeared from his mind. Suddenly the fears and insecurities that haunted him daily didn’t matter because he had someone that didn’t care about them.

He just hoped those fears and insecurities wouldn’t get the best of him.

That night, he slipped into Changbin’s bed in the middle of the night. Unsurprisingly, Changbin was still awake.

“What’s up, Ji?”

“Minho and I are… dating now, I think.”

Changbin turned to look at him with shock and excitement on his face.

“It was about time!”

Jisung giggled until he saw Changbin’s expression drop. “You’ll get your happy ending, Binnie.”

“You don’t know that.”

“No, I do.” Jisung hugged his brother. “It will come.”

“I don’t matter right now,” Changbin said, smiling softly and pushing Jisung’s hair away from his forehead, “how did it happen?”

“Well, he kissed me and I guess I got brave…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI!!! i've been literally crying over miroh for HOURS. did you like it? LET'S GET THEM THEIR FIRST WIN, Y'ALL.  
> also, minsung rise!!!


	6. not broken (felix)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is weird.

Watching Jisung and Minho dating was such a strange feeling to Felix. Of course, there was the fact that he had known them since they were kids and watching them transition from friends to boyfriends was a shock.

But Felix knew there was more to it. It wasn’t about watching his friends kiss and hold hands on the regular, it was about how that made him feel.

Felix had never been one to believe in love, perhaps because of his late mother’s bad luck with it.

Of course, he remembered, after every hit and scream, a soft ‘I love you’ would be said, a red tainted I love you, a fake I love you. But that wasn’t enough, because his mother still cried herself to sleep, tightly holding Felix like she was afraid something would take him away. And that was the only love he knew for a long time.

His perception of love had changed a lot, though. After all, he had grown up seeing Chan and Woojin. The way they were so gentle with each other, so unapologetically in love, sometimes so lost in each other. They were the real happily ever after the movies talked about.

So his views on love had changed, and yet, there he was, unable to stop looking at Minho and Jisung, who were currently holding hand and giggling at each other.

“I know, they’re gross,” suddenly he felt a body collide with his. He turned to his side and smiled at Changbin, who just put his arm around him.

“I think it’s nice they’re finally together,” Felix answered, chills running down his spine when Jisung softly kissed Minho’s head and Minho smiled at him.

“You’re right.”

Felix let himself relax on Changbin’s arms. His head was spinning as he saw the pair in front of him.

“Changbin, do you like someone?”

His brother turned to look at him, eyebrow raised. “I thought you knew.”

“I guess we’ve never really talked about it. It’s Hyunjin, right?”

Changbin smiled bitterly and nodded. “Why the sudden interest?”

Felix couldn’t stare at Changbin anymore; instead, he looked at the sky. “What does it feel like?”

“Liking someone?” Felix nodded. He could see Changbin frown from his side view. “Well, for me, it’s like everything they do is meaningful, you want to see them all the time and you feel giddy but also oddly calm when you’re with them.”

“Do you feel that way about Hyunjin?”

“Yeah, I do.” There was silence for a moment and then Changbin spoke again. “Felix, have you never… liked someone?”

Felix felt a knot in his throat, he smiled but it came out awkward. He tried to laugh off the sudden weight the question put on him, but the sound was so painful. He shook his head. “What a weirdo, right?”

Changbin put his hand on top of Felix’s. “No. You’re not.”

“It’s fine.”

Changbin tried to say something, but Felix just got up and left. He knew he’d be questioned, but he didn’t want to deal with it at that moment. He went through the rest of his classes as focused as he could possibly be.

When they went home, Changbin sent him a few glares, but the boy was emphatic, he knew Felix didn’t want to talk about it and didn’t make an effort to ask. Felix appreciated it.

From then on, things only got worse. Suddenly more than ever he noticed romance around him at all times, and he tried to relate to it. He saw the longing looks Changbin gave Hyunjin and he tried to imitate them. Yes, Hyunjin was beautiful; he was also kind and sweet and fun to be around. So why couldn’t Felix admire Hyunjin with starry eyes as Changbin did?

He thought about Seungmin, all the times he had helped him, the dumb games they played together, the deep conversation. But he couldn’t look at him as more than the boy that dared him to eat dirt when they were 10 and Felix was an impressionable mind.

He tried looking at girls and boys in a way that was more than friendly, but he just couldn’t. He didn’t understand it. He felt broken.

Jisung approached him one day, nervous expression.

“Felix, does it bother you that Minho and I are dating?” he asked. Felix felt dumbfounded.

“Why would it?”

“You just… never seem comfortable with us around,” Felix hated himself for making Jisung feel like that. His brother was looking at the floor, eyebrows furrowed.

“Because I don’t understand it,” Felix’s voice was shakier than he had wanted it to, it made Jisung look up to meet his eyes. But he just had to say it. “I just don’t understand what liking someone is, I don’t understand how to like someone and it seems like everyone around me is just in love and I don’t understand it.”

“You don’t… understand it?”

“I’m 16 and I’ve never liked someone even if I try, but everyone around me seems to have it all sorted out. Maybe I’m just broken!”

Jisung’s face went from confusion to realization. He took Felix’s hand in his. “Felix, do you know what aro or ace is?”

“No?”

“Aromanticism and asexuality. They’re sexual orientations, or well, the lack of them? It’s someone that doesn’t feel romantic or sexual attraction towards anyone.”

Felix thought about it for a second. He stared at Jisung’s face as if it would help him make any sense of it.

“That’s… a thing?” Felix whispered, he heard Jisung giggle.

“It is. It’s not very talked about like being gay, maybe that’s why you’ve never heard of it before. But it’s not a bad thing, Lix. It’s just… part of you. You’re not broken.”

_Not broken._

“It’s hard, you know?” He started saying.

“What is?”

“Looking at couples, at people pinning, relationships and having everyone constantly talking about it, and not being able to relate. It’s frustrating.”

“Just because you don’t understand it, it doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate it. Watch romance movies just for the sake of it, be happy about people’s relationships, and support the pinning even if you can’t understand it.” Felix was like in a trance, nodding to everything Jisung said, trying to process it. “It’s like me not understanding you eating that weird Australian thing that tastes like bitterness and tears.”

The atmosphere went lighter, Felix laughed out loud and Jisung smiled back at him.

“Vegemite.”

“Whatever it’s called, truly disgusting. But you like it, I don’t, and I will still buy it for you just to see you smile.”

Felix couldn’t help but hug Jisung. “Cute, but Chan buys it, not you.”

Jisung lightly hit his arm. “Let me at least pretend to be a good brother.”

“You are. You’re an amazing brother. Thank you, Ji.” Felix broke the hug, maybe a little teary, but he felt a lot lighter.

“Anytime. So, no problems with Minho?”

“Of course not, you’re adorable together,” Jisung lit up and smiled.

“Great, I was beginning to think I would have to break up with him and block him from my life.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“You underestimate how much I love you and how annoying Minho is.”

“Whatever you say, you’re whipped.”

Felix wasn’t broken. He was just different, unique, like everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i just write a whole chapter based on my own experience with asexuality? yes, i did. i really hope you liked it. it's surprising i just now wrote an ace character even tho i'm ace myself but hey ahsjsksk better late than never  
> i hope you liked it!!


	7. confusion (jeongin)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeongin is confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i'm not dead!

Asking for help is a difficult thing to do. Jeongin never liked asking for help, he wanted to be seen as independent, intelligent, someone reliable, not someone that had to be taken care of.

But his mentality had changed ever since he got out of the hospital. He knew sometimes he had to ask for help, he knew that having his own problems wasn't a burden to everyone else.

Ever since the incident, Seungmin had been stuck to his side. It felt like they had grown closer in a way Jeongin didn’t even know was possible, and that scared him.

“At what time do you get out tomorrow?” Seungmin asked him as they walked together through the school halls, heading outside to go home.

“1 PM, why?”

“Hyunjin and I wanted to go see a movie after school. Wanna come?”

Jeongin furrowed his eyebrows. Seungmin was a very secretive person, of course, he trusted his friends with some things, but most of the time, his secrets were secret. It was a mere coincidence that Jeongin found out about Seungmin’s crush on none other than his best friend Hwang Hyunjin.

“Wouldn’t you want to have alone time with him, though?” Jeongin asked, feeling maybe just a little uncomfortable.

Seungmin didn’t answer for a while, instead, he just smiled at Jeongin.

“Hyunjin is very confused because of Changbin right now, me crushing on him would only make it worse.”

“Changbin? Wait, is that why they’re not speaking?”

Suddenly it all made sense. Hyunjin bolting out of the house after talking to his oldest brother, the way they avoided each other almost painfully, all the looks they gave to one another. Changbin had confessed.

“Hyunjin tells me everything, you know? Thinking about him losing that trust just because of a crush makes me scared. I love Hyunjin and because I love him I think it would be easier to stay like this.”

Seungmin's voice was light-hearted, he had a small smile of his face and his eyes were looking straight ahead.

“That said, I still don’t feel like I can be alone with him,” Seungmin chuckled. “Please come with me? Be my emotional support boy.”

Jeongin laughed and shook his head. “Fine, but just because I can’t stand being around Jisung and Minho anymore.”

“Boy, I feel you. They haven’t even changed much, but now they’re blatantly cheesy.”

“It’s nice though,” Jeongin became pensive. “To have someone you can be all cute and soft with.”

“I try to be cute and soft with you and you reject me every time,” Seungmin exclaimed making Jeongin laugh.

“Because you’re annoying about it!”

“I’m hurt,” Seungmin playfully punched his arm and they let the conversation die out.

The next day, Seungmin and Hyunjin went to pick him up after his last class. Hyunjin looked happier than Jeongin had seen him ever since his fight with Changbin. They smiled at Jeongin as he approached them.

“Innie,” Hyunjin hugged him.

“You saw me this morning,” Jeongin hugged back, laughing.

“I know, but I missed your cute little face,” Jeongin rolled his eyes at Hyunjin’s pout. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah.”

 

In the end, the movie was horrible. A cheesy and more funny than scary horror film, still, it managed to make Hyunjin jump and scream while Jeongin and Seungmin laughed.  

They decided to get ice cream after the movie, Seungmin kept on mocking Hyunjin and Jeongin was once again amazed by how secretive Seungmin could be.

To whoever saw it, Seungmin was just being playful, but somehow Jeongin thought he was overcompensating. Laughing way too much when in reality it took a lot to make Seungmin laugh; playfully hitting Hyunjin's arms and being overly touchy like he would be with Jeongin. 

Jeongin felt bad for him. 

 

“Shit, my dad is calling me, I should probably get going,” Hyunjin said as they sat at the ice cream parlor.

 

“Really? Dance class?” Seungmin asked, Hyunjin only nodded as he took his ice cream and bag with him. 

Hyunjin squeezed Seungmin's hand with a smile and then ruffled Jeongin's hair. “See you!”

 

Jeongin guessed he could understand why not only one but two of the people in his friend group would be in love with Hyunjin. He was beautiful, his face was beautiful and his smile was pretty. Maybe it was his laugh, that brought so much joy to everyone. Maybe it was his personality, both caring and playful, electric. 

Jeongin had never liked Hyunjin, despite how close they'd always been. 

Jeongin didn't even know if he had ever liked someone. 

“What are you thinking about?” Seungmin asked him, only then Jeongin realized he had been eating his ice cream mindlessly and carelessly. 

“Hyunjin,” Jeongin answered.

“Don’t tell me you like him, that'd be awkward,” Jeongin laughed and Seungmin joined him shortly after. 

“I don't.”

Silence followed. It was a comfortable silence, it always was with Seungmin. Jeongin felt comfortable with him, like he didn't have to make an effort to speak, each one could be lost in thought but still knowing they have someone beside them. It was amazing. 

 

Suddenly Seungmin was really close to him, Jeongin snapped out of his thoughts and laughed when he saw Seungmin's maniac face barely inches away from his. He slightly pushed his face away. 

“Why are you so annoying?” Jeongin asked, sticking out his tongue at Seungmin, who was still close. 

Seungmin stuck his tongue back at him. 

A thought suddenly struck Jeongin and it was so fast that his body acted before he could process it. 

He kissed Seungmin. 

It was just a light peck, rushed and lasted less than a second. Still, Jeongin panicked. 

“I’m so sorry, I don't know what happened, I-” Jeongin's mind was running at high speed. He felt fear. But not even a second later, he felt hands on both sides of his face. Seungmin raised his head to make eye contact. 

“Jeongin, it's okay. It's okay.”

Seungmin's eyes were truthful, his expression serious. “Just don't do it again if you don't mean it.”

“What?”

“Jeongin, I like you,” Seungmin seemed serious, there was no joking tone to his voice. “But if you kiss me without meaning it would only hurt me and our friendship.” 

“But Hyunjin…”

“Hyunjin is a tale already told. I said it already, we're better off as friends.”

“I don't…” Jeongin felt like crying. “I don't know why I did it. I don't know if I like you back and-”

“You don't have to know.”

Jeongin didn't realize Seungmin's hands were still on his face until he took them away and immediately held Jeongin's hand. “It's okay not to know.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't worry about it,” Seungmin laughed and stood up. “Do you wanna go home now?”

Jeongin nodded and stood up, hand still held in Seungmin's. It made him feel calm like he had nothing to be afraid of. 

They didn't talk on their way home from the mall, but Seungmin didn't let go of his hand either. 

When they got to Jeongin's house and Seungmin let go of his hand, Jeongin felt anxious again. 

“Think about it, Jeongin. Why did you do it? And, remember, if you don't get to a conclusion or if you don't like me back, it's all okay.”

Seungmin left and Jeongin got inside, mind buzzing. 

 

“Hey, where have you been?” Jisung asked as him and Changbin lied down on the carpet of their living room. 

“Went to the movies with Hyunjin and Seungmin… what are you doing?” Jeongin left his backpack on the couch and stared and his older siblings. 

“Getting inspiration for lyrics,” Changbin answered, eyed half closed. 

“Right…”

“You can join us if you want,” Jisung said, Jeongin laughed but laid down next to him. “You look troubled, what happened?”

Jeongin trusted them more than anyone. He decided to say it. 

“I kissed Seungmin.”

“What?” both Changbin and Jisung were now on top of him, he got out a huff and swatted them away. 

“Do you like him?” Jisung asked. 

“I… don't know. I don't know why I did it.”

“It's okay if you did it just to try it, you know?” Changbin said. 

“Yeah, besides, you're still young. You have time to think about it.”

“You're one year older than him, Jisung, cut your bullshit,” Changbin said, Jeongin laughed as Jisung hit his arm. 

 

“I know. He told me to think about it.”

 

“Then do that. Seungmin is smart, he'll get it. And he loves you just as much as we do, so don't worry.” Jisung assured him, slightly rubbing his tummy. 

Jeongin smiled and closed his eyes. “I guess you're right.”

Seungmin didn't leave his mind for the rest of the weekend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i really disappear for a month just to come back with such a short chapter?...  
> well, yeah, i did ahsajsks  
> life's just crazy man lmao  
> but if you ever wonder why i disappear, feel free to hit me up on twitter (syub_yoon) and i prooomise i will update weekly like usual, love you all and thanks for waiting


	8. m.i.a. (changbin)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, this is cheesy af lmao enjoy!

 

Instead of getting easier, it got harder and harder. Suddenly Changbin was hyperaware of Hyunjin and even being in the same space as the boy it made Changbin’s breathing harsh and his heart beat fast. This, of course, was difficult to manage, seeing that Hyunjin was always around him.

Hyunjin wasn’t much better. He often looked sadly at Changbin, as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t. Changbin never had the confidence to talk to him first.

And it went on like that. One week became two. And it started affecting their group dynamics. The group started to split slowly, no one wanted Changbin and Hyunjin in the same room, it was awkward and somewhat sad.

Felix had taken to be by his side at all times, maybe he thought Changbin felt lonely. Maybe he was right.

His nights became endless conversations with Jisung and writing love songs no one would ever hear.

“Maybe I just like to ruin my own life,” Changbin had told his brother one of those nights. They were side by side, beds pushed together but the space between them still minimal. Jisung started holding his hand when Changbin’s voice became shaky. “I knew Hyunjin would never like me back and I still decided to say it. I knew it would ruin everything but I still said it. Do I just hate myself?”

“No, Changbin. It’s not that,” Changbin liked Jisung’s voice in moments like it. It was low and clear and slow, and it made Changbin feel calmer. “You said it because it felt right to say it, because it explained your actions and because you thought Hyunjin would understand.”

“He didn’t. He cut me off.”

“He was scared.”

“Have you talked to him?”

“He avoids the subject; he probably knows I would tell you. But he seems sad, you know? Sad and scared.”

“I am sad and scared.”

“Talk to him, Changbin. Explain yourself. Neither of you can go much longer just hurting yourselves like this.”

“I will.”

He didn’t. And it became three weeks. But Jisung had been right: neither of them could go for much longer.

Changbin decided to talk to him after the incident.

It was one of the rare times all of them were together. They were in Changbin’s bedroom, sat on the floor. Despite the mess of voices and sounds around, Changbin was distracted lost in his head. He barely heard a “pass me that notebook” from Jisung and then a little gasp followed by Hyunjin getting out of the room.

Changbin felt fear, Jisung muttered _shit_ under his breath and took a sheet of paper from the floor, probably something Hyunjin had dropped. He showed it to Changbin with a knowing look.

Shit, indeed.

_I don’t want to be scared to look at you_

_I don’t want to avoid your eyes either_

_So let’s try to bring back the good days_

_I miss you_

One of the millions of songs Changbin wrote for Hyunjin, one of the million thoughts in his head. If Changbin was ever going to talk to him, that moment was the best he could get.

He also got out of the room, but Hyunjin wasn’t downstairs so he went outside. He wandered around until he stumbles into the park around the corner.

When Hyunjin’s father was in the military and Hyunjin had to live with them, sometimes he missed his father, his home; sometimes he got so sad he only wanted to run away from everything. He always ended up in that park, just under a big tree and sat there in silence.

That’s exactly where Changbin found him.

Hyunjin spotted him easily but made no sign of moving. Changbin silently sat beside him.

“We should talk, shouldn’t we?” Changbin asked after a while, his heart was on his throat. Hyunjin smiled bitterly and nodded slowly.

“Was that song for me?”

“Yes.”

“It’s a shame, I don’t deserve pretty words.”

“You deserve every song and every poem that has ever been written, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin didn’t answer but when he turned to look at him his eyes were shiny. He looked just as breathless as Changbin felt.

“I’m sorry I have been avoiding you,” he finally said.

“I think we were both avoiding each other. I just wish we hadn’t.”

Looking at Hyunjin at that moment was both an epiphany and the most obvious thing Changbin had ever thought. Hyunjin was beautiful. Even then, with his shiny and puffy eyes and a painful grin and hair that way too messy; he looked beautiful. And Changbin was sure he loved him.

“I’m not sorry I confessed my feelings,” Changbin started to say, Hyunjin tensed up. “But I do understand that maybe that was a very shocking moment. I’m sorry about that. You had just been through a breakup and a fight. But I don’t take it back, I like you and even though you don’t like me ba-“

“I like you, too,” Hyunjin cut him off. Changbin’s brain was making short-circuit. “That’s why I freaked out so much. Because I knew that if I said it back, that if we were ever together I’d only be bad for you. I’m sorry I’m so bad for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You got into a fight because of me, Changbin,” Hyunjin sounded scared and so, so fragile. Changbin had to gather all of his willpower to not take him into his arms forever. “You hadn’t gotten into a fight for years and I triggered the anger issues that you try so hard to control. I’m bad for you.”

“Don’t blame yourself for that. Never.” Changbin couldn’t hold it in anymore. He held Hyunjin’s hand and luckily the boy didn’t reject it, he held onto Changbin’s hand even stronger. “You’re not the cause of my issues; you’re not the cause of my traumas. I acted entirely on my own will. I have way too big of a history with abuse, and maybe the way I handled it wasn’t the right one, but none of the people I care about will ever, ever, go through for a fraction of what I did.”

“I’m not worth that kind of effort-“

“You’re worth everything, Jinnie,” Changbin’s voice softened as much as he could manage. “I would’ve done the same for any of our friends. It just so happens that I feel a little stronger about you.”

Hyunjin’s eyes were now shiny but in a different way, the way he was staring at Changbin was like he held the secrets of the universe. Changbin looked back at him and waited, waited for Hyunjin to realize Changbin’s words.

Hyunjin fell into his arms and as a reflex Changbin hugged him tightly. He even felt brave enough to leave a soft kiss on Hyunjin’s head.

“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin whispered into Changbin’s chest.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, Jinnie. Just… don’t ever stop talking to me again. I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

“Do you think you’ll ever give me a chance? To be together, I mean.”

Time stopped when Hyunjin didn’t answer immediately.

“Yes. But remember I’m a romantic, you have to play your cards right.”

“Is a date to the zoo and a cheesy song written at 3 AM good enough for a start?”

“It’s perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song changbin wrote are actually lyrics from m.i.a. hence the title!   
> i hope you liked this despite how absolutely cheesy it is and lets all hope i keep up my weekly uploads lmao


	9. step out of them voices (jisung)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW//  
> This whole chapter is on the angsty side but there is a slightly more described panic attack/mental breakdown. You can skip it, there are these symbols ☾ before and after that scene.

“I love you.”

_ But does he really?  _

Jisung had no reason to doubt Minho’s words. They had been dating for a month already, Minho never once made Jisung think he didn't love him and much as Jisung loved him. 

But the voices haunted him still. 

_ Why would he like someone like you? He's graduating this year and he'll leave you behind. He can't stand being around you. You tire him out.  _

Jisung had stopped visiting his therapist when he was 12. He no longer felt threatened by anyone, Woojin and Chan had stopped taking in new people, Jisung’s friend group had solidified for good. He was safe. 

But Minho was just too good for him and that made the horrible voices return.

The way Jisung saw it, he was just a burden to his boyfriend. 

“I love you, too.”

_ Why am I doing this to you?  _

 

Hyunjin and Changbin started going out. They looked happy together, finally after so long they were together. Changbin seemed relaxed when he was with Hyunjin. Hyunjin’s smile turned soft when he saw Changbin. 

_ Why does Minho always seem on edge when he's with you, Jisung?  _

Jisung didn’t recognize the voice, it wasn’t his. It was cold and soulless and it hurt more than a spear.

 

“Ji, let's go watch a movie tomorrow,” Minho told him one day. 

“Don't you have dance practice tomorrow?” Jisung asked, a frown on his face. 

“Yeah, but it doesn't matter. I know next week you have your music evals, I don't wanna interrupt you then.”

He said it so casually like it didn't matter. But to Jisung, it was an unspoken confirmation that he was taking up Minho’s time. Minho loved dancing, he loved going to his dance practices and he didn't do it as much lately since he was about to graduate. 

Jisung was taking away what Minho loved the most. 

And like the selfish person he was, Jisung accepted. 

_ Imagine how relieved Minho will be when he leaves you, how free of you he will be.  _

 

The equal silence and noise of the movie theatre the next day accompanied by Minho’s almost painful touch made Jisung want to cry. He said it was because of the movie. Minho just laughed it off.

 

Minho started hanging out with Yugyeom. Jisung knew Yugyeom was just helping him with his dance portfolio for college. Jisung knew they were just friends. 

And yet he felt the burning jealousy within him. 

_ Yugyeom is handsome. He's so good at dancing, he shares a passion with Minho. He's helping him move forward, and what are you doing? Holding him back? Minho would be better off with him.  _

 

“I'm sorry, Sung,” Minho had told one night him over the phone. “I have practice with Yugyeom tomorrow. We can hang out on Friday, though.”

“Of course, any day is fine. Good luck at practice.” 

_ See? He prefers him over you. Who wouldn't?  _

  
  


On Friday, they were together. As often, they were eating ice cream in Jisung’s room, chocolate mint ice cream, their favorite. But Jisung’s head was on the outer space.

 

“Everything okay, sunshine?” The nickname almost made Jisung whimper. He stared up at his boyfriend and gave him a little smile.

“Yeah, why?”

“You seem distracted. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Jisung started to get nervous. “I’m okay, don’t worry. You didn’t tell me where you went yesterday.”

“Right! I went to check out Seoul Arts University, the dance program is really good but it’s hard to get in so I’ll just have to keep working on my portfolio.

Minho seemed and sounded so excited, his eyes were shiny and he had a soft smile on his face. Jisung couldn’t help but feel happy, too.

“You’re gonna do great.”

 

Minho leaned in to kiss him, it was soft, innocent, almost childish. It made Jisung’s heartache and the voice started speaking. And it was nothing Jisung could ever be prepared for. His breathing got heavy, his head was spinning.

 

##  **☾**

 

_ Look at how happy he is, he can’t wait to leave. To leave you. Changbin is also leaving, can you handle it? You’re going to be alone just like you deserve to. They’re going to get new friends, Minho is going to fall for someone else. And what will you do? _ **_You’re weak, you’re nothing-_ **

 

“SHUT UP,” Jisung didn’t even realize he had screamed out loud. He sat down on the bed, covering his ears with his hands, eyes shut tight. He curled up into himself, the voices were still speaking. “STOP.”

 

“JISUNG,” Minho was calling out his name. He placed himself in front of Jisung and tried to take his hands away. “What’s wrong? Please tell me what’s wrong.”

 

“The voices,” Jisung wasn’t screaming anymore, he was crying. “The voices won’t stop. Please make them go away. GO AWAY.”

 

Minho finally managed to take Jisung’s hands away from his ears and he pinned both of them down on his lap. Jisung opened his eyes and turned to look at Minho, he looked scared and desperate. Jisung cried harder.

Minho hugged him tightly and Jisung let himself be held, the urge to cover his ears still strong.

##  **☾**

  
  


“Listen to my voice, Jisung. There are no voices. Just me. I’m here and I’m not leaving. Don’t listen to the voices.”

 

Minho kept muttering, ‘ _ it’s all okay don’t worry, you’ll be fine, I’m here’. _ Slowly, Jisung’s muscles started relaxing, he melted onto Minho who just held him tighter as he caressed his hair.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jisung uttered now feeling too tired.

 

“It’s okay. I love you, Jisung. I’m right here.”

 

 

Despite Jisung’s complaints, Minho told Chan what had happened and as soon as he left as the sun was setting, Chan walked into his room, a distressed looking Changbin by his side.

“Let’s talk, Sung,” Chan said. Defeated, Jisung nodded and sat down on his bed, Changbin sat down next to him and carefully held his hand. “Minho told me you broke down on him. He said you mentioned voices. What voices, Jisung?”

 

Jisung felt suffocated. “I hear… a voice… that tells me bad things.”

 

“Bad things?” Chan questioned.

 

“About myself. How… how no one loves me, how they’re going to leave me.” Changbin’s grip on his hand tightened. 

 

“When did it start?”

 

“When I started dating Minho… I just feel like he’s too good for me. And then he and Changbin are leaving for college and-”

 

Chan hugged him as he stopped speaking, his throat to tight to continue.   


“We all love you, Sungie. Just because you’re not going to be together every day doesn’t mean they will stop loving you. They love you so so much.”

 

Changbin joined their hug only making Jisung more emotional. They hugged for what felt like forever but it was not enough time.

 

“I’m going to book an appointment with your therapist, Jisung. You’re going to talk about this and get rid of those voices, okay?” were Chan’s final words.

 

That night, Jisung couldn’t sleep. Changbin, of course, didn’t sleep either. Instead, they wrote a song, writing lyrics in hushed voices, only the sound of the pencil on paper was heard. No voices.

 

_ Now they’ve been going around _

_ It’s in my head, making me dizzy _

_ Voices that torture me _

_ Make me shout out again _

_ I’m a mess, impossible to save _

_ Why do you keep talking _

_ I don’t care no more _

_ Don’t be deceived _

 

_ Step out of them voices _

 

Minho went to his house the next day. As soon as he saw him, Jisung hugged him tightly.

“I love you,” was all Jisung was capable of saying. Minho smiled at him. “I was scared because you’re the best thing in my life and I was scared it was going to disappear.”

 

“I’m right here, Jisung. I will always be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do i like making jisung suffer so much? i swear he's my baby  
> sad news, fellas, i'm probably going to start closing the story in the following chapters :(  
> i finally finished my finals so i will try to post more regularly, thanks for reading!


	10. not perfect, but ours (jeongin)

_ Seungmin is nice to you. He takes care of you. Seungmin has never let you down. Seungmin is cute, smart; he’s too good for you. _

 

Jeongin didn’t give an answer to Seungmin right away. Truthfully, he didn’t know if he wanted to give him one.    
Seungmin treated him as usual; no weird looks, no comments, no pressure. That didn’t mean their relationship hadn’t changed.    
  
Seungmin’s touches were softer, like he was caressing a scared cat that could run away. His smiles smaller, like he wanted Jeongin and only Jeongin to see them. His looks more longing, like he wanted Jeongin to speak, but also waiting calmly.

 

Jeongin also felt himself changing towards the older, not even wanting to. Sometimes, he caught himself staring at Seungmin, at the way the light hit his face; at all the little things he did without noticing, like chew on his necklace or try to fix his glasses when he wasn’t wearing any. He caught himself wanting to touch him just to feel that little rush of excitement.

 

Was it love?

How could Jeongin know? He had never loved anyone; never had a crush, never wanted to hold someone’s hand as much as he wanted to hold Seungmin’s.

 

“What’s on your mind?” Jeongin didn’t even realize he had been left alone with Seungmin until the boy spoke. Seungmin was sat on the floor, Jeongin was lying on his own bed. 

 

“When did the rest leave?”

 

“About ten minutes ago when we all thought you fell asleep.”

 

“You stayed?”

 

Seungmin stared directly at him. “No, Jeongin, I am in fact a hologram.”

 

“Shut up,” Jeongin threw a pillow at him. Seungmin caught it with a laugh. “I mean it like… Why did you stay?”

 

Seungmin grabbed the pillow and stood up. He sat next to Jeongin and Jeongin sat down, with the shift, they were suddenly very close. Seungmin sat a little further. A part of Jeongin appreciated it, a part of him didn’t want that distance.

 

“I have been wanting to talk to you.”

_ Ah, shit, here it comes. _

 

Seungmin laughed and hit Jeongin. “Don’t look so mortified, idiot. I’m not going to pressure you for an answer. I just wanted to see how you were doing, if I could help in any way.”

 

For a while, Jeongin didn’t speak; Seungmin didn’t say anything either. “How… do you know you like me?”

 

“Oh. Well… Just… I want to be with you all the time, I want to know everything about you and for you to know everything about me. I… feel happiness when I look into your eyes. I feel like if I’m not touching you it burns, but if I touch you it burns even more.”

 

Hesitant and slowly, Jeongin reached for Seungmin’s hand on the bed. “I feel the  burn, too,” he whispered. “But I don’t know what it all means.”

 

“You don’t have to know, Innie. We can learn together, if you’d let me.”

  
  


And so their nameless relationship began and it was an absolute mess.

Jeongin would never admit to it, but he was a secret fan of romance. It was both a good thing and his absolute ruin.

He knew what to expect, but he didn’t always got what he expected.

 

It was weird, for the most part. Seungmin had never been super soft and cheesy with him. Their friendship was mainly based on jokes and Seungmin annoying him and Jeongin pretending to hate him. 

Now Seungmin hugged him instead of chasing him down with a creepy face plastered on his face. Now Seungmin complimented him instead of calling him names. Now Seungmin looked at him so shamelessly in love and Jeongin didn’t know how to act.

 

_ “Don’t worry, Innie. You don’t have to reciprocate anything I do, just tell me how it feels and if you want me to stop.”  _

 

That was the thing. Jeongin didn’t want him to stop. Because every touch and every smile and every stare made Jeongin feel good. But he didn’t know how to touch and smile and stare back.

Seungmin never took it personally, he always assured Jeongin that he didn’t have to force himself to do or feel anything. But Jeongin wanted to.

So Seungmin taught him how to.

Sometimes, when they were alone, Seungmin would hold Jeongin. The hug so light, Seungmin’s head carefully resting on Jeongin’s neck. That felt nice, not too romantic but also not platonic.  And they would stay like that, no talking, for what felt like centuries and seconds.

 

Sometimes, Jeongin would hold Seungmin’s hand as they walked.

He felt hesitant about it, just lightly brushing Seungmin’s hand, asking for permission, for a sign that that was okay. Then Seungmin would hold his hand, his grip firm but still light enough for Jeongin to stop if he wanted to. Jeongin just made his grip tighter, and Seungmin would hide his smile and that would only make Jeongin smile.

 

It was perfect. And a part of Jeongin didn’t want to change that.

He was scared. Scared of the word “boyfriend”, scared of romance, scared of driving Seungmin away for not being good at feelings.

 

They were sat alone at the park, Seungmin and Jeongin did that a lot. It was already dark, the rest of their friends were continuing their sleepover, but Jeongin just wanted to have Seungmin to himself.

 

They sat in silence when Seungmin suddenly caressed Jeongin’s cheek. He did that a lot. Whenever Jeongin would ask why, Seungmin would shrug. But Jeongin knew there was more to it. So he asked again.

 

“Why do you always do that?”

 

This time, though, Seungmin answered. “Because it’s keeping me from doing something else.”

 

“Why don’t you do it?” Jeongin’s heart was beating like crazy.

 

“I don’t want to scare you away.”

 

“You won’t, you should do it.”

 

“I can’t.” 

 

They stared at each other for a while. Jeongin knew Seungmin wanted to kiss him. It had been obvious for the past weeks. Jeongin would catch Seungmin staring at his lips and Jeongin didn't even care. But it was never the time. This was the time.

 

Jeongin leaned in and kissed him. And it was inexperienced and Jeongin didn’t know what to do.

And it didn’t feel like in the movies. There weren’t fireworks and butterflies in his belly. But it still felt nice, because it was Seungmin, everything was nice with Seungmin. And Jeongin decided he loved Seungmin. 

 

They didn’t start dating immediately. In fact, they didn’t start dating at all.

 

“I don’t like the attachments of the word  _ boyfriend,”  _ Jeongin explained to Seungmin one late night. “I want you and I to be free to do as we please but still enjoying each other. Is that weird?”

 

“As long as you allow me to be with you, I can work with it,” Seungmin assured him.

 

“I’m sorry I can’t give you a real relationship.”

 

“No, this is real. This feels real.”

 

It wasn’t perfect, but it was theirs and Jeongin wouldn’t change it for the world.

 

(Needless to say, their honeymoon stage went by like a breeze and suddenly Seungmin being annoying was the norm again. This time Jeongin didn’t mind it so much, maybe Seungmin was just that cute.)

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been meaning to upload this for dAyS but my internet has been acting up, sorry :((
> 
> anyways, hope you liked this chapter, this was completely based off my own experience, except this has a happy ending ajsks so yeah, hope you enjoyed and i hope we read each other again very soon uwu


	11. you're doing well (felix)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Please stop asking how I did it, leave my bussiness, 'cause the markings on my papers tell me that I'm really useless. But again, I'm just getting started, there's always other ways. Gotta fill up my story, this is my buffet."  
> -Felix, Mixtape #3

Felix just couldn't seem to get it right. 

It felt like the hundredth time he messed up the same part of the choreography and Minho was staring to show his annoyance. 

 

"Felix, focus," the older said, clapping and replaying the music. 

 

Felix got the very first move wrong. He groaned in despair and pressed his fingers through his scalp, the reflection in the mirror of the dance room looked tired. 

Minho frowned and approached him, taking his fingers away from his hair and holding his hand. 

 

"What's wrong?" Felix was about to speak when Minho clicked his tongue. "And don't say it's nothing."   
  


Felix sighed, obviously caught about to lie. "I'm failing science and chemistry."   
  


Minho nodded, probably understanding. "Are you doing all of your assignments?"    
  


"Yes, that's what bothers me the most, I hand in everything, but I don't understand the classes so I fail the tests," Felix was getting desperate just talking about it, he was about to run his fingers through his hair again but Minho held his free hand. He sighed.    
  


"Do you want me to tutor you?" Felix looked up at Minho, raising an eyebrow.    
  


Minho was a complicated person. If you asked him for a favor, he would say no, but in the end, he always did it. Minho never asked for favors and he also didn't offer them.    
  


"Are you serious?"    
  


"No, Felix, I'm joking," there was another complicated thing about Minho. Felix was terrible at using sarcasm, his voice always held all of his emotions. Minho deadpanned everything, it was hard to tell when he was actually joking or not. "That was sarcasm, by the way."   
  


"Are you a mind reader now?" Felix joked.    
  


"Yes. I'm a genius like that. So, will you take the offer or not?"    
  


"Yes, thank you," Felix squeezed Minho's hands, which were still holding Felix's. Minho gave him a soft smile, for a second Felix could see the resemblance to a cat,  and then he let go of his hands. 

Maybe now Felix understood just why Jisung was so enamored by him.    
  


"So, wanna try again or would you prefer we stopped for today?"    
  


"No. I'll do it again. No mistakes this time."   
  


The music started again and Felix focused on his every move. He had to get it right. 

  
  


 

The next day, Felix was sat on his bedroom floor, Minho next to him and a bunch of notebooks sprawled here and there. For some reason, Changbin ended up joining them with the excuse that he was also older and he could help, Felix had the theory that he was just bored.    
  


"But you let Changbin stay," Jisung whined at his boyfriend as said boy pushed the younger out of the door.   
  


"Because Changbin knows how to stay quiet, you will probably end up making a mess with Changbin, distracting Felix or distracting me," Minho answered.    
  


"Aww, baby, am I distracting to you?" Jisung smirked, losing his guard for a second, which Minho took advantage of to close the door in his face and locked it.    
  


"Yes. Now go away," Minho turned to them. "Are we ready?"    
  


Felix nodded despite his head screaming no in bright red.    
  


Turns out, Minho was a great teacher, but Felix couldn't even be surprised. The way he explained cells and molecules was oddly similar to the way he explained dance moves. 

He was patient and the way he spoke was so clear. He made sure Felix understood before he moved on. 

And all in all, Changbin made some good contributions. 

Minho couldn't stay for long, though, as he had his own school business to attend to, but Felix was still incredibly grateful. 

 

When Minho left, Changbin walking him to the door, Felix broke down. 

His fingers were almost tearing out his hair and his eyes were shut tight. 

Felix didn't even notice when Changbin was back until he felt hands holding his and a voice calling his name. 

 

"What's wrong?" Changbin asked, worry evident on his face.    
  


"I'm such a failure," Felix laughed.    
  


"Don't say that, it's not true."   
  


"I just wasted Minho's time because I'm dumb and useless."   
  


"Felix, you're not useless."    
  


"Tell that to my grades!" Felix never raised his voice. Felix was raising his voice now. He was scared.    
  


"Felix, they don't mean anything." Changbin's voice was also louder but not quite yelling, just strong. It made Felix want to believe him. "You're not good at science, so what? Look at your grades in Linguistics, you're one of the main dancers in a highly competitive dance club, you're an amazing writer. Felix, you don't have to be good at everything, those grades won't matter when you're being a professional dancer. As long as you're doing your best, that's enough."   
  


Could Felix believe him? Everyone around him cared so much, but maybe Changbin was right. Maybe…

 

"Stop overthinking," his brother said, snapping Felix out of his thoughts. "Minho and I will keep helping you get better grades, but don't torture yourself because you can't be good at everything, okay?"    
  


"Okay."   
  


"You're doing well."

_ I'm doing well.  _

 

 

That night, just like many others, Jeongin sneaked into his room and lied next to him on the much too small bed, the only source of light coming from the moonlight through the window.    
  


"Jisung was complaining about Minho tutoring you and not him," Jeongin said and Felix chuckled, all in hushed voices.    
  


"Yeah, well, Jisung is not failing two subjects. I am."   
  


"Oh, let me guess, science."   
  


"And chemistry." Felix confirmed with a sigh.    
  


"Same thing, "Jeongin laughed. "You've always been bad at it. Do Chan and Woojin know?"    
  


"Not yet. Do you think they'll be mad?" Felix asked, actual concern in his voice. 

 

"Nah, you do really well on school and you have a passion you're crazy good at, they'll understand, Lix."   
  


Felix nodded in the dark, silence consuming them and the warmth from Jeongin's body making him sleepy. 

"Do you have a passion, Innie?" 

 

"Yeah, I wanna be a social worker. I don't want kids to go through what we did." Felix smiled. Of course Jeongin's passion was helping others, Jeongin was always so selfless.    
  


"You're a great person, Innie."   
  


"So are you. We're great, in different ways, but still great."   
  


They had different strengths, they were good at different things, but they still were great. 

They're doing well. 

  
  


 

Minho kept tutoring him as much time as a senior could spare. Felix liked it. When Minho helped him, it felt like he was his teacher, but it also helped him get closer to Minho as a person. 

 

Tests came and went and Felix got a passing grade, not perfect, but enough. He was scared when he showed his grades to his parents, but his fears were quickly shut down.    
  


"You got perfect scores in communication! Good job," Chan told him with a high-five.    
  


"Hey, you got even better in math," Woojin mentioned.    
  


"Your grades in science and chemistry are getting better, too," Chan said casually. "Thanks for doing your best, Felix."   
  


"Thanks for helping me be my best,” was Felix’s immediate response. He felt proud because they felt proud. They understood and supported him, always. He had nothing to fear.

 

Felix was doing well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> double chapter for keeping you waiting heheh


	12. getting closer (changbin)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time is a scary thing.

_ Tick Tock. You’re running out of time. _

 

Changbin’s hands were shaking as he opened the yellow envelope, he had been avoiding it for two days now.

It was one of the rare occasions he was completely alone. He took out the piece of paper and his breath caught on his throat when he read it.

He put back the paper, closed the envelope and tossed it under his pillow. Changbin lied down on the bed, tears streaming down his face, his heart aching.

 

_ Congratulations, you have been accepted to Korea National University of Arts. _

 

**_Tick Tock._ **

 

Changbin didn’t tell anyone. After all, he was only halfway through senior year. He had time. He needed time. He was running out of time.

 

He knew he had to tell his parents, he had been aching to tell his friends. But if he did, it would become real: Changbin was coming of age that year and he had to leave his house to go to college.

Just the idea terrified him. 

Moving had always been traumatic event for Changbin, because it meant he had been bad, it meant he did something wrong and it meant he wasn’t wanted.

Since he arrived at Chan’s and Woojin’s house, he hadn’t had to move.

He had a home he could always go to. A place where he felt safe. 

Now he had to leave that place and flashes of all of the foster homes he had been through passed by his head.

_ Too small, too dirty, too overcrowded, too cruel. _

 

His happiness had a deadline.

  
  


Changbin had been dating Hyunjin for about a month, after a few dates and more than a few stutter-filled confessions, Hyunjin had agreed to be his boyfriend. And it was beautiful.

Hyunjin was beautiful and his feelings for Hyunjin were beautiful.

 

Changbin was scared.

He had to leave Hyunjin behind and he didn’t know if they’d ever be together again.

But he stilled smiled when Hyunjin kissed him, still too nervous and inexperienced. Still so innocent. 

 

“I’d follow you to the end of the world, Changbin,” Hyunjin said. Changbin smiled and kissed him again.

 

“I hope so, I’d miss you too much if we were ever apart.”

 

“I will always be by your side, no matter how many years pass.”

The sun hit directly on Hyunjin’s eyes, the air moved his hair and it felt like a promise. Changbin hoped he didn’t break it.

 

_ Tick tock. _

 

Minho came running to him one morning, Jisung being dragged with one hand, a yellow envelope held in the other.

Of course, they had applied at the same time. 

“Changbin, I got in!” Minho was excited, his smile so bright, Jisung’s was the same. Minho showed him the paper, exactly the same as Changbin’s. But for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to say “ _ me, too!”.  _ How could Minho be so excited? Wasn’t he also dying inside?

 

“Congratulations! You did well.” Changbin said, his smile strained but his voice sincere. He felt anxious for a second.

 

“Have you gotten yours yet?” Minho asked, sitting down beside him. Jisung stood in front of him, smile still big and eyes expectant.

 

“Ah, not yet. Maybe because we’re in different departments.”

 

Minho only nodded. Jisung frowned and for the split second they made eye contact, Changbin knew he was screwed.

 

“See you after school, then,” Jisung said, eyes lingering on Changbin, then he pecked his boyfriend’s cheek and left.

 

Minho let his head fall on his desk. “I can’t wait to finally get out of this shithole.”

 

“Hah, yeah…”

 

_ Tick tock. _

 

Jisung at least had the decency to wait until they got home.

They went to their shared room and, immediately, his brother closed the door.

 

“Were you rejected?” The question was sudden. Harsh.

 

“I… I got in.” Changbin admitted, voice ashamed, eyes looking at his feet. 

 

Jisung opened his eyes a lot and the hint of a smile appeared, then he frowned. “Then, why…?”

 

Changbin looked at Jisung, the person that knew him the most; he looked around the room, the only place in the world that felt his own and tears threatened to fall. “I’m scared.”

 

Jisung was instantly by his side on the bed, hugging him without asking for more. Changbin was now shaking with sobs and he held onto Jisung. “Why?” Jisung finally asked.

“I don’t want… I feel like time is chasing me. It’s scary and I want to go back,” Changbin answered, voice weak. Jisung nodded and patted his head.

 

“Time is chasing all of us, no matter how much we run. But we can run together, right?” Changbin sobbed again and nodded. “You need to talk to Chan.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Do you want to do it now?”

 

“No.”

 

“Okay.” Without any more questions, Jisung laid them down on the bed and after a few more minutes of crying, Changbin fell asleep.

 

_ Tick Tock. Getting closer. _

 

The next day, he was walking to his parents’ room, envelope in hand. Woojin opened the door and frowned at Changbin’s pained expression.

 

"Binnie, is everything okay?" Chan asked from the bed, he stood up to face him. 

 

Chan and Woojin stood side by side. Their faces still looked youthful, Changbin noted, despite Chan's eye bags and the smile wrinkles around Woojin eyes, their faces felt youthful. 

Changbin wanted to be as youthful as them. 

 

Showing his parents the paper inside the yellow envelope, Changbin took a deep breath. "I got in."

 

Both of his dads smiled, and then they saw it, Changbin had tears running down his face. 

 

"Why are you crying, Bin?" Chan asked, dying the tears while Woojin put a hand on his shoulder. 

 

Changbin tried to smile, but instead, he broke down crying. Scared and startled, Chan hugged him tight and Changbin felt small for a moment. He felt safe. 

 

"I don't want to leave. This is my safe place and I don't want to leave and grow up and be an adult," Changbin wondered if they could understand him in between all the hiccups and sobs, but Woojin was now caressing his hair. 

 

"You don't have to be scared, bean," the nickname, a dumb nickname Chan game him when he was a child, came out soft from Chan's mouth. "Things will change but we will not."

 

"We're just as scared as you, Binnie," now Woojin spoke. "But we're here to help you all the way."

 

"Yes, you will leave," Chan's voice was no more than a whisper, "but you can always come back and we'll be here for you. You will grow up and become an adult, but to us, you will always be our child."

 

"You have your family and your friends wherever you are, whoever you become. You don't have to be afraid."

 

Changbin pulled away from the hug to stare at the people that raised him, the people that gave him the tools to mold himself instead of just molding him themselves. The people that have always been there. 

 

"Thank you," was all that came out from Changbin, though he wanted to say a lot more. 

 

"We're proud of you, bean, congratulations," Chan hugged him again, briefly this time, to then step away so Woojin could hug him as well. 

 

Changbin was scared, no, he was terrified. But maybe he didn't have to be. His safe space wasn't the house or his room, his safe space were the people that would always be there. 

 

Now he had to tell Hyunjin. 

  
  


"I knew you would get in! I'm so proud of you!" 

Just as he expected, his boyfriend was ecstatic. Changbin could help but smile as Hyunjin hugged him and peppered his face with little kisses. 

 

"Thank you, sunshine." 

 

"Now I will have to work harder so I can get in, too."

 

"You want to go to the same university as me?" Changbin asked, surprise evident in his tone. 

 

"Of course," Hyunjin started at him like he was stupid. "You've dealt with me for so many years already, you have to deal with me for some more. Will you wait for me?" 

 

Changbin huffed out a laugh and then started directly into his boyfriend's eyes, love suddenly flooding him. 

"Jinnie, I was born for you. I will wait as much as I have to."

 

Hyunjin kissed him, a promise was sealed. 

It said "we'll be together forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so mcuh for reading!   
> this was actually the last individual chapter, now we only have a special chapter left, so be ready for that!  
> hope you enjoyed


	13. epilogue: sky colored youth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to the beggining for the end.

Chan stares at his children and he’s amazed at how much they’ve grown.

He remembers when they first arrived, when they started making friends and creating their own family.

 He remembers all of their hardships and how much they’ve changed, how often Chan doesn’t recognize them momentarily to then see his little kids one again.

 

They’re there, all of them together, a mess of limbs and voices, tangled over one another like they’re one, voices talking over each other, carrying millions of conversations at once. 

It’s their monthly sleepover, it’s been years and they never miss it.

 

He sees Changbin, head resting on Jisung’s lap and hand holding Hyunjin’s. His hair is getting too long, covering his eyes. For a moment, Chan sees the boy that arrived at his doorstep on a hot summer night. The same eyes, dark and calculating, but a smile so soft when Chan did something nice. 

He sees Changbin as he grew into himself. He wasn’t always the soft, nice boy that’s holding his boyfriend’s hand like it’s worth the world. 

Changbin was angry and he was as mean as needed to survive in the world he had to live  in; he kept everyone away, as if he was a dog growling. But Chan knew how to look past it, he saw through the mask and little by little, the real Changbin peaked in. 

And Chan felt proud when Changbin brought Minho for the first time, his first friend. And he felt proud when Jisung fell down and Chan was away, and Changbin took it upon himself to take care of his brother, because that was the real Changbin, always caring, always friendly. 

And Chan feels proud everytime he listens to one of the songs Changbin is working on, because for a second, he sees the little boy with curious, sparkly eyes staring at Chan’s work many years ago. He sees that little boy playing around with a beat pad. And he sees that little boy writing away all of his struggles.

Chan sees his little boy that sometimes talks like an old, wise man, ready to go to university to do what he loves, and he feels proud.

  
  


Chan looks at Jisung and his heart swells with love at his first child. Jisung, who didn’t know how to be a kid, taught Chan how to be a dad, and they grew together everyday.

Jisung is fragile, he gets scared easily and he tripped and fell a lot of times in his life, but he wasn’t weak, he always got up. He is brave in a way not even Chan is.

That little boy that cried every night, started crying into his lyrics, into his music. Always so eager to be the best, because he was scared to be left behind.

Jisung was competitive and jealous of everyone, because he wanted  to be like them. He tried it all, he changed and changed, and sometimes Chan was scared, because he didn’t recognize him.

But then Jisung went back to his essence, he ran at his own pace and Chan admired that boy with thoughts so deep and intricate.

Jisung is easy to love, even if he sometimes doesn’t notice it.

Chan wants to love him forever just to show him.

 

Chan laughs as he sees Jeongin complain when Seungmin tries to kiss his cheek, his laugh dies and he remembers how reluctant to touch Jeongin has always been. 

Always so nervous, always so lost. Chan knows Jeongin’s annoyance is just an act, he’s just too scared because his mind is so innocent, too lost. He didn’t know how to act because for so long, he didn’t have an example about how to be nice to people, how to accept affection from them.

But he was still nice, he made people happy by existing, Chan’s family wasn’t an exception. 

To Chan, Jeongin was a little dot on a piece of paper and Chan wanted to make a beautiful painting out of it.

That little dot grew and grew, and it changed forms and feeling and sometimes it hid from everyone, leaving a scarily white sheet behind. And when he was ready, the painting returned and what came as a result was beautiful.

Jeongin has always been the family glue, always eager to keep everyone happy, always laughing even if it hurts, always smiling for others.

Jeongin was the youngest, but he sometimes he was the most mature. Chan couldn’t wait to see him grow up.

 

Just as Jeongin was the glue to their family, Felix was more like a missing piece.

With Jisung and Changbin being so close, Jeongin sometimes got left behind; now Felix was always there for him. Because Changbin was older, sometimes Jisung stumbled trying to keep up with him; but Jisung and Felix are the same age age, almost twins, so he always has his back. Changbin likes taking care of people and Felix loves getting taken care of.

Chan also has a special soft spot for the boy, for the sun freckles that never faded, for the sweetness in all of his actions and words, for the accent that despite the years is still so prominent. The accent that reminds Chan of home. The accent that reminds Felix of home.

And just like all of them get helped by Felix, they want to give the best of themselves for the boy.

Felix struggled and still struggles a lot. He had a hard life with terrible events, but that never stopped him from trying hard. The image of Jeongin teaching Felix how to read is still fresh in Chan’s mind, Jisung doing homework with Felix so he wouldn’t get left behind at school, Changbin teaching him about music because Felix was curious.

Felix looks at everyone with as much love as they look at him. 

Struggling but never complaining. Brave but soft-hearted.

Felix was just what their lives needed.

 

Woojin sees Chan staring and approaches him with a smile.

 

“You watching them when they were little was cute, now it just looks like helicopter parenting,” his husband jokes, Chan laughs and playfully hits him, not once losing the boy’s out of his sight.

 

“Shut up, I just can’t believe they’re all grown up now.”

 

“I know, love. They’re doing well, aren’t they?”

 

“They are, despite everything. I’m proud of them.”

 

“That’s thanks to you,” Woojin whispers in his ear as he wraps his arms around Chan’s waist. 

 

“Of course not, they are their own person.”

 

“And you think they would be without your care and love? You allow them to be the best version of themselves, give yourself some credit.”

 

“You deserve credit, too,” for the first time, Chan stops staring and turns his eyes to Woojin’s face carefully resting on Chan’s shoulder. “Without you we’d all be lost and dead.”

 

“Probably,” Woojin pecks his lips and walks to the boys, Chan following him with his eyes. “Alright, kids, Chan is grilling some meat, who’s gonna help?”

 

As if on a cue Chan didn’t hear, all of the boys raise their fists, screaming Rock, Paper, Scissors. Chan laughs at how they seem to talk without words.

 

Just as Chan found his own family, full of hardships and love, his boys found their own.

And as the boys laugh in unison when Hyunjin and Seungmin lose, Chan can see their colors.

And they look like sunrises and sunsets; they look like the night skies filled with stars. 

And Chan wishes they enjoy their time being kids. That their sky colored youth lasts forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to thank all of you, wether you've been reading since broken crayons still color or if you just found this and gave it a chance.  
> i basically raised these kids and y'all helped so much with all of your comments and suggestions and love, so thank you very much. 
> 
> i hope you have the nicest of days/nights and that you're living your own sky colored youth.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to befriend me @moonlightsungie on twitter!


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